


darling, only you can ease my mind

by roooos



Series: the politician [1]
Category: The Politician (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, River Barkley Lives, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:47:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23618506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roooos/pseuds/roooos
Summary: one dark night, river barkley tried to kill himself. what he didn't anticipate that night was that payton hobart would be there, and that payton hobart would love him enough to stop him, to knock the gun out of his hand. he didn't anticipate that payton hobart would love him more than he loved his dream, that he would care more about the boy that he loved than the story that would derail his whole career.title from ease my mind by ben platt (sing to me instead)
Relationships: Alice Charles/James Sullivan, Alice Charles/Payton Hobart, River Barkley/Astrid Sloan, River Barkley/Payton Hobart, Skye Leighton/McAfee Westbrook
Series: the politician [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1700116
Comments: 14
Kudos: 75





	1. chapter i (river)

River wiped beneath his eyes as Astrid walked out of his door. The safe was in his father’s study, and within it held the gun. Hiding it within his sleeve, he walked past the maid, who was still cleaning the kitchen and made his way back to his bedroom. River sat on the clean white cotton of his bedsheets and placed the gun in his mouth. He shut his eyes and breathed, four times in and out, just like he taught Payton at that debate meeting.

A car screeched into the driveway, wheels grumbling over the small loose stones that made up the pavings grout. Standing up, River looked out of the window, and he could see Payton banging on the door until it was opened by the maid. A small smile came over his face as he heard Payton screaming, and he hid the gun in his hand underneath a pillow. 

Payton yelled at him for almost an hour. River thought that there was nowhere else he’d rather be.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The senior class president debate was only between him and Payton. It was the next day and River knew that he was going to lose. In fact, he wanted to. There was nothing that Payton wanted more than to one day be the President of the United States, and River didn’t want to stop him. But Astrid wanted this.

Payton rambled about Mark Twain for nearly five minutes, and River was fairly certain that the entire room could see his heart eyes. ‘-- into the future.’ Payton had stopped and the whole room had burst into applause. Even River, who was supposed to be his rival, had started to clap.

Damien, who was also a senior, leaned forward in his seat. ‘River, last question.’ From this angle, he could see the rather large bald patch on the top of Damien’s head. ‘Should the school be able to limit the size of sugary drinks sold at Santa Barbara High?’

River scrunched his eyebrows together because truly that was such a dumb question. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Payton smiling like he knew he had the win. ‘Who cares, Damien?’ River said, and the whole room laughed and clapped, but he could see Payton’s friends near the front row. ‘That question’s great man,’ he continued, ‘but come on. I mean you should make smart choices about what kind of shit you put into your body, but I hardly think that’s the most important thing any of us are dealing with.’

There was a huge lump in his throat, and he played over everything he did a few days ago. ‘Our parents are having affairs, or drinking themselves to death, or getting divorced. Were expected to choose our entire futures within the next few weeks, find a job, deal with our friends and our neighbours getting addicted to drugs or stealing and then overdosing on a shitty gas station floor. Our generation has realized that the world is dark and that we might all burn to death in a couple of years. If a 42 ounce Mountain Dew makes you happy in this fucked up world then I say go for it.’

Four breaths. In, out. Four times.

‘We’re all alone. Seriously. We take boring ass photos and then we post them on Twitter and Snapchat and Instagram and then we feel more alone because you either get thousands of likes but you’re still alone, or you get like four.’ 

River looked over at Payton, who looked even tenser than he felt, which somehow made him feel better. 

‘I tried to kill myself last year.’

The look on Payton’s face made him want to vomit. They had been sort of together for longer than that. Tears began to well in his eyes, and there was nothing he wanted to do more than grasp onto Payton’s hand like it was life support. Some days it was.

‘I don’t even know. I felt hopeless and alone, and I thought that I would always feel like that. I was afraid that I would always feel like that. So I took a forty-five-pound plate from the gym and took it to the pool. I don’t think I would have done it if the door wasn’t open, and if I had to think about it first.’

Four breaths. In, out. Four times.

‘But the door was open. I walked straight from my house’s gym with a rope and a weight through that door and right to my pool. I tied it to my ankle and I am so glad that I was never a boy scout. If I had been, I think my knots would have been better and we wouldn’t be sitting here today. As soon as I reached the bottom I regretted it.’

He breathed in deeply through his nose. River couldn’t look at Payton if he did he’d lose all of his courage. 

‘No one was there to help me. And I never want anyone at this school to feel like that. No one should die alone. And everyone in this room needs to know that their lives are worth more than they think they are. You all have value and you’re all important.’

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Payton ran to River’s house the night after the debate, high necked sweaters absorbing the tears still running down his face. He ran up to River’s room, slamming the door open. And there, on the pristine white sheets, was River Barkley, his boyfriend, a gun pressed to his temple.

‘River,’ he said, softly, nearly a whisper, just loud enough to be heard. Payton heard the gun fall to the bed and River get up, walking towards him.

‘I can’t do it, Pay.’ River pressed his forehead to Payton’s, a hand on each cheek. Payton surged forwards, pressing his lips to River’s. 

‘Sure you can.’ River could see the desperation in his eyes.

‘No. I can’t. I really loved you.’

At that moment, the gun was back to River’s head and Payton had run forwards, knocking it out of his hand as he pulled the trigger. The bullet soared past his head and lodged itself into the wall to their side. Payton kissed him again, and behind them, River’s housekeeper ran through the door, a phone in her hand. On the line was 9-1-1.

‘He’s alive.’


	2. chapter ii - payton

**_eighteen months earlier_ **

Payton Hobart sat in a small wicker chair behind his house, a heavy book in his hand, one of Richard Nixon’s many biographies. His brothers, two large men with possibly the smallest brains Payton had ever seen were out in the fields, each holding a bow and arrow, somehow not managing to shoot one another. On the easel ahead of his mother was a watercolour painting of a young boy. His name was Orhan and he was very very dead. Georgina had told him earlier that Orhan had been murdered in a Syrian war strike earlier that year. 

Luther and Martin had come over while Payton was watching his mother, talking loudly at each other about ‘bagging’ things, most of which sounded incredibly illegal, and supremely gross as they continued.

‘Firstly, hunting Bengal Tigers at all is illegal,’ Payton said, his eyebrows scrunched together in disgust. ‘And secondly, you both sound like douchebags when you talk about ‘bagging’ things, especially with your mother right there.’

‘Maybe we should take you hunting with us sometimes, Payton.’

‘Then we can _accidentally_ shoot you in the back.’

Payton rolled his eyes, their mother snapping at the boys as they made to leave the room.

‘Will you be back for dinner?’ Georgina asked, picking up her paintbrush again, dipping it in a golden shade of brown.

‘Probably not. We have that event for eliminating net neutrality.’

Payton didn’t think that his brothers could be any more stupid, but apparently, they could. ‘How could you be _for_ eliminating net neutrality?’ He asked.

Luther replied, ‘This family holds fifty-four million dollars in telecom stocks.’

‘Not that he would care,’ Martin countered, ‘He’s barely in the will.’

Georgina ended up looking even more annoyed at the boys than earlier when they quite literally threatened to kill him. ‘Boys!’

‘Why are you always defending him?’ The boys whined together, honestly sounding like two five-year-olds.

‘Because you’re both bullies and borderline psychopaths.’

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

‘You’re in the will, same as them. I made completely sure of it.’ 

Payton smiled sadly. ‘I read a study, from Columbia, that said that it’s impossible for a parent to love an adopted child as much as a biological one. Something about people being biologically altered to love those that look the closest to them.’

Georgina looked at him, withered past her years as if they’d had this conversation many times. ‘Well, Payton, that study must be flawed because I love you _most_ , always have.’

‘Only because they both grew up to be assholes.’

‘True, you’re not at all wrong about that. But you can’t teach kindness. There’s only so much you can do with small hearts. They have those. They’re not hard-hearted, but everything they have is small. They can only hold so much love and unfortunately, all of it is for them. Ever since they were those beautiful babies, I never had good vibes with them. I always thought it was post-partum depression, but I knew it would always be like that. I love them, I do, but it’s hard and edged. It doesn’t go on and on like my love for you.’

‘You felt that way from the moment you saw me?’

‘Always. You’re a part of me, Payton. It was like we found each other from across the universe. You had your dark hair and your big Disney eyes. You were alone and I think I felt that way about myself too. 

Never listen to your brothers about who you are or what you’re on your way to doing.’

From across the house, the doorbell rang. Georgina looked excited, and Payton felt a strange feeling of dread pass over him.

At the door was one River Barkley, the boyfriend of Astrid Sloan, the girl who had been ruining his life for so long.

Payton zoned out while River and his mother were talking, eyes unfocused until River seemed to walk into the house, towards their bathroom. He started to walk upstairs, turning to his mother. ‘What is _he_ doing here?’

‘He’s your new Mandarin tutor. You’re doing well in every class except languages. And P.E. I know that you hate it when we speak Chinese at the dinner table.’

Payton began to talk faster, a sharp tone attached to his words. ‘That, is River Barkley. He’s insanely popular.’

‘So are you.’

‘Not like he is. He’s dating Astrid Sloan, my arch-nemesis. She called me a fag in second grade. I’m not even gay.’

They had reached Payton’s room, ‘He comes highly recommended. Just get him to like you - piss off Astrid Sloan. Payton took a steadying breath and took the step inside his room, sitting on the chairs at the table, waiting for River.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Payton was still sat at his desk as River walked around, examining the books Payton kept on his shelves. ‘All of these are autobiographies,’ River noted, ‘Lincoln, U.S. Grant, Ross Perot, Tina Fey.’

‘Greatness is the activation of inherent abilities. I like to read the lives of great people so that I can mimic what worked. Fake it until you make it, and all that.’ Payton’s stiff figure relaxed as River walked over, his hands falling of his knees and his back pushing back into the chair. River gave him a strange look, one that’s mixed between empathy and longing. ‘What?’

‘I fake it a lot too,’ River said, sitting in the chair opposite him. ‘People think that I’m all calm, but I don’t think I really am. It’s like I’m feeling the whole world at once sometimes. I saw a psychiatrist and he said that I’m an empath. I exist in relation to what everyone else needs.’

A soft smile came over Payton’s face, River’s calm simplicity awing him.

‘Where did you learn Mandarin?’

‘My father works for Goldman. We lived in Hong Kong until I was ten, my nanny was a Buddhist monk who taught me Mandarin and Karate and stuff. All of the Buddhist enlightenment stuff.’ River immediately switched to Mandarin. _‘Shall we begin. How are you?’_

_‘I’m good,’_ Payton replied, the struggle clear in his voice. River smiled lightly, a nice encouraging smile.

_‘Me too. The weather has been nice. Sunny but not too warm. What did you do today?’_

_‘I rested for a trig test.’_

_‘_ **_Studied._ ** _Studied and rested sound similar.’_

_‘_ **_Studied._ ** _’_

River came back to English. ‘Why are you so tense?’ He asked, a smile on his face that somehow made him want to open up.

‘How did you know that I was tense?’

‘I just know. You don’t seem happy.’

‘Are you happy?’ Payton asked, turning back to River.

‘I try to be.’

‘But that’s what’s so hard.’ Payton’s voice began to crack, a single tear falling down his face. ‘I try so hard. And it’s so hard to try so hard all the time.’ River wiped away Payton’s tears, a wobbly smile on his own, his tears welling up in his eyes. ‘How did you do that?’ Payton pulled away from River’s hand, which was still resting on his cheek. ‘How did you get me to be all vulnerable. I never do that.’

River shrugged lightly. ‘I don’t know. That’s just how I am with people. It must have been what you needed.’

‘And what do you need?’ Payton asked.

River began to speak in Mandarin again. ‘ _Can I kiss you?’_

Payton nodded, and River came towards him, pressing his lips to Payton’s.


End file.
